The Comprehensive "You know You've Been In China Too Long..." List.

My Canadian friend Paul from Hainan, sent me a list the other day.
This is a list to let you know when you've been China too long.
I found it quite amusing.
These are some of the cultural differences between China and the rest of the world.
Things that you just get used to here in China.
You may not get some of them unless you've spent some time in China. Those who have, will get a kick out of it.
For those who haven't, Let me explain some of the terminology first.
Lao wai means foreigner.
Bai jiu is rice wine(very strong)
Jiao is small Chinese currency.

And now, The Comprehensive "You know You've Been In China Too Long..." List.

Enjoy

1- A few shots of Bai jiu don't even give you a buzz.
2- You're at an expensive western restaurant and don't even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone
3- A June 2001 Great Wall Cabernet (mixed with Sprite) is your vintage of choice.
4- When someone says 'snack', you think: "Squid on a stick."
5- You only drink beer from one liter bottles.
6- You enjoy wearing flip flops on all occasions.
7- You get your haircut on the sidewalk.
8- You leave the 'Garbano' designer label conspicuously on the jacket sleeve.
9- You enjoy karaoke.
10- You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.
11- Walking through traffic is your favorite X-game sport.
12- You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated DVDs.
13- Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.
14- You watch 'xiaqi' (Chinese chess) on TV religiously.
15- You find yourself "getting back to nature" in a park that contains nothing but concrete and a giant revolutionary statue.
16- You smoke in crowded elevators.
17- All white people look the same to you.
18- You like the smell of the bus.
19- Open spaces make you nervous.
20- You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
21- People with bright white teeth look frightening to you.
22- You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
23- Other foreigners seem foreign to you.
24- You find yourself exiting a major highway...on your bike.
25- You find western toilets uncomfortable.
26- You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).
27- You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy.
28- Any discomfort causes you to think there might be something wrong with your 'Qi'.
29- Your body no longer accepts dairy products.
30- You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.
31- You ask people what animal year they were born in.
32- You scream at Lao wai's in Chinese and laugh because you know they don't understand a word your saying.
33- You think you speak Chinese fluently.
34- Squatting becomes your favorite position, anytime, anywhere.
35- You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute.
36- You think your really good at badminton.
37- You developed an acquired taste for moon cakes.
38- You have rear ended someone who stopped in the middle of traffic to answer their cell phone.(Bike, car, scooter)
39- A stop in the middle of traffic to answer you cell phone.
40- You think nothing of it when someone stops all traffic to answer their cell phone.
41- It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window.
42- Thanks to karaoke, you know who has the most singing talent in your building.
43- You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster.
44- The ultimate status symbol is a lawn-mower.
45- You know it is useless to protest when the lady at the supermarket
check-out wraps one toothbrush in 6 plastic bags.
46- You developed a taste for donkey meat.
47- You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
48- You sing in public for everybody's enjoyment.
49- Your colleagues suck the meat out of snails and the sound doesn't bother you at all.
50- You have been spit on by accident while trying to pass someone on a bike.
51- You have developed better lung capacity from holding your breath in bathrooms.
52- A PhD in Nuclear Physics fluent in 7 languages irons your socks for a pittance but she is from the Philippines so it's all right.
53- You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown.
54- You carry an umbrella when it's sunny or rainy.
55- You are not surprised to see 85-year old ladies pushing tons of garbage up the streets of the financial district.
56- You use the word "Ayyiieeaaahh" every few sentences to convey surprise, pleasure, pain or anger.
57- You believe you are really tall when you are only 5'8".
58- You finally decide to eat at McDonalds to put some solids into your body.
59- You watch an American movie on HBO, with sub-titles, and try to read them.
60- You like to watch CNN or BBC News World on TV.
61- You eat a kebab on the street and call it "Dog on a stick" and keep eating.
62- You see a stray dog on the street and say "Hmmm... Lunch!"
63- You have a washing machine in your apartment.
64- You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off.
65- You read shanghaiexpat.com and understand what people are talking about.
66- Your work buddy taps you on the shoulder to talk to you, and you say "Bu Yan" (no thank you!) out of habit.
67- You offer to sell your own watch to a $2 Rolex street vendor, to fend him off.
68. You think you should wear nylon socks with your Nikes, stilettos or sandals in the summer, instead of a cotton one.
69. You question the waitress who didn't cut steak piece by piece, and ask for chopsticks.
70. You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks and MacDonald's because you insisted it is the way to keep everyone employed
71. You are hardworking person, volunteering OT everyday, as you only chat with friends and watch movies on-line during office hours.
72. You buy an XXXL T-shirt in store when you returned home.
73. You take large sum of cash whenever you go hospital in home country
74. You are no longer flinching every few seconds on a taxi ride.
75. You can pinch off one nostril and let it rip.
76. You chew on "Ducks blood" like a fatty piece of beef.
77. You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor.
78. You start reaching for a piece of fish with your chop sticks and not even notice the fish looking back at you.
79. Walking across the street, against the light, in and out of traffic is a piece of cake.
80. Your brand new bicycle only cost you $20.
81. Your washing machine looks like it was made by Matell.
82. You are now washing your socks in the sink.
83. You get your ears cleaned in a public square by a guy with a Q-Tip.
84. You think it's okay to drive on the wrong side of the road, any time you want.
85. You try to haggle over the rental price of a $110 a month apartment.
86. You except that the bathroom sink "doesn't work" and just use the kitchen.
87. You think it's silly to buy a new bike when it'll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price.
88. You relish the thought of pizza hut, but only go when you want it to be a special occasion.
89. You walk in the street and drive/park on the sidewalk.
90. You get up early for a backwards walk and thrust your hand at a 45 degree angle into the sky over and over for balanced exercise.
91. When denying someone something they expected or counted on you just say "Sorry" (buhaoyise) with no explanation whatsoever.
92.When asked your reasons you just repeat "Sorry" (buhaoyisi).
93. You travel two hours, one way, away just for real cheese.
94. You can ride a bike and hold and umbrella while talking on your cell phone.
95. Ice cubes in beer actually make it cooler and more refreshing
96. Your used to seeing your fish being cleaned out on the sidewalk where everyone is walking and spitting.
97. You have a pet bird...which you walk.
98. When you take a cab, you give play-by-play driving directions to the driver.
99. You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut
100. You eat three regular meals a day: lunch, dinner and night snacks
101. When you go to the toilet you start bringing your own toilet paper.
102. You can pick up any type of food using just your chopsticks... even peanuts.
103. You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise)
104. The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.
105. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
106. You stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to plan your day.
107. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
108. You clip your toenails during dinner, at a restaurant.
109. Seeing someone eating pig brains at your table doesn't bother you at all.
110. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes.
111. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
112. You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is "Broken" and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it "Fixed".
113. You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.
114. You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your trousers, or you have your suits made with terrycloth pockets.
115. A T-Bone steak with rice sounds just fine.
116. Your photo is used for advertisements and you didn't even know they were taking your picture..
117. You regard traffic signals, stop signs, and copy watch peddlers with equal disdain.
118. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
119. When listening to the pilot prove he cannot speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the air traffic controller.
120. You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
121. You have more knick-knacks than your grandmother.
123. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
124. You are not surprised when they don't knock and you are standing there naked.
125. You are not surprised when they don't turn around and leave, but just stand there looking at you.
126. You look over people's shoulder to see what they are reading.
127. You throw your trash out the window of your house, your car or bus you are on.
128. You would rather SMS someone than actually meet to talk 'face to face'.
129. You start not answering your mobile so you can call back from your house/ public phone.
130. You wear nylons when it is 30 degrees outside.
131. You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk
132. You regularly fumble for five minutes to find 10 jiao despite 10 people waiting in line behind you.
133. When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humor.
134. You ride around on your bicycle ringing a bell for some unknown reason
135. When shopping at the supermarket, some Lao wai stares you down for catching you looking into his basket, while you wonder to yourself what Lao wai's eat.
136. You consider changing you religion because you like the Muslim noodles so much.
137. You have a bowl full of 'jiao" that is over flowing.
138. You can ride side saddle on the back of a bike.
139. You use water from the tap to rinse you mouth out after brushing your teeth.
140. You get your first case of bronchitis and you have never smoked a cigarette in your life.
141. You prefer a hard seat on a 23 hour train ride.
142. You have a pinky fingernail an inch long
143. You haven't cut you finger nails in 8 weeks.
145. You pick your nose while talking to people...and think nothing of it.
146. You stare at the Lao wai's "goods" while at the urinal.
147. You forget that the other person needs to finish speaking before you can start.
148. You burp in any situation and don't care.
149. You see one foreign person eating Pineapple (or whatever) and say "Yes, all foreign people like Pineapple."
150. You look forward to watching CCTV9 .
151. You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth standing in line for.
152. You realize traffic signals are merely suggestions.
153. When having conversations with your friends you start leaving unnecessary words or letters out of sentences and end up talking like an imbecile
154. In the rain, you spot a vacant taxi which is 10 minutes away and you have already planned how you are going to jump out with great enthusiasm in the road, elbow everyone else trying to claim it, and wave your hands everywhere in a 'look at me I'm a goal keeper' kind of fashion
155. You have learned how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them
156. You watch taxi drivers picking their noses whilst stuck in traffic. Instead of feeling disgusted, you actually admire along with them, the length and breadth of the boogie.
157. You see people outside wearing shower caps in the rain, and instead of thinking what a freak, you actually understand the practicality behind it. The same with clipping pegs on your trousers when riding a bike
158. Your eating manners in restaurants are now totally shot. Elbows on tables and spitting food out onto your plate, table or floor is now seen as being dead classy
159. When you turn the volume on the television in the restaurant up so high that you cannot hear what the person across the table from you is saying
160. When you insist on paying the bill and fumble with your purse or
wallet so long that the other person pays anyway
161. When you sit in the restaurant with your finger up your nose to your elbow and stare at the Lao wai. Then you pull it out, inspect it, roll it into a ball and casually flick it onto the wall or the closest person's plate
162. When you are able to cut in line because the person in front of you left 2 centimeters between themselves and the person in front of them.
163. When you wear nylon knee highs with your best dress
164. Before asking some one's age, you ask what animal they are.
165. You start picking at other people's dinner plates before they even offer you a taste.
166. You eat family style at any and all restaurants, Chinese or not.
167. You developed a taste for Pig feet.
168. You don't have to speak to taxi drivers. Every cab in town has taken you home at least once, so they all know where you live.
169. Everybody at the KFC knows you by name.
170. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.
171. You invite friends over for dinner, and serve thousand year old eggs as an appetizer.
172. You buy a round trip air ticket in China.
173. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
174. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai.
175. You think singing Karaoke on Friday nights is fun.
176. You no longer notice the LOUD screeching sound from the brakes of the scooters.
177. You consider McDonald's a treat.
178. You ask how much people are making and expect people to answer.
179. You talk louder than is necessary.
180. You are the last of your first group of friends still in China.
181. You prefer using chopsticks.
182. Chinese fashion starts looking hip.
183. You no longer notice the shouts of "HELLOoo" on the streets.
184. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
185. Your body no longer needs dairy products.
186. You think Yangshuo is a nice place for a holiday.(I do)
187. You don't hold your breath in the bus station toilets any more.
189. You start to enjoy the taste of chicken feet.
190. You go back home for a short visit, get in a car and start giving the driver directions in Chinese.
191. You have to pause and translate your phone number into English before telling it to someone.
192. Your idea of a larger home is an extra 10 square meters.
193. You get used to having a before dinner, during dinner, and after dinner cigarette.
194. Your favorite restaurant is the one famous for "Duck Feet", but you go there for the donkey meat.
195. The site of a 40 ear old man in a 3 piece suit, riding a 20 year old bike made for a 5 year old girl is just a normal everyday thing.(Briefcase fits nicely in the front basket)
196. You wouldn't think of buying any appliance that doesn't come in lime green.
197. You wonder why none of your friends back home have VCD players.
198. You see some real cleavage and think WOW!
199. You ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them.(So true!)
200. You speak Putonghua better than the locals.
201. You like your Chinese friends better than the new foreigners in your town.
202. You are used to the sound of construction, everywhere.
203. You don't even think of looking either way before walking out into traffic.
204. You can swear in 3 different dialects.
205. Pollution, what pollution?
206. You think squat toilets are more sensible.
207. You notice you've forgotten how to tie shoelaces.
208. You (men) wear three piece suits to the beach.
209. You (ladies) walk on the beach in high heel shoes.(or try)
210. You phone an English-speaking laowai friend and somehow can't bring yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation.
211. You stop enjoying telling newcomers to China "all about China".
212. Your not surprised that the American girl who lives next door has had 3 new bikes stolen in 6 months.(Idiot)
213. You are smart enough to chain your bike to a pole or tree or something so it wont get stolen.
214. You develop a liking for corn flavored ice cream.
215. You leave the windows open in the winter for the fresh air.(see# 205 & 27)
216. When you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if any body's home.
217. You think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser.
218. You have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your chopstick skills.
219. You think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?"
220. Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why.
221. 70 degrees F. feels cold.
222. You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more.
223. "Duck heads"sounds better than "steak".
224. There are more things strapped to your cycle than you ever put in a car.
225. Looking at a dog makes you hungry.
226. Firecrackers don't wake you up.
227. Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back.
228. You don't mind when your date picks his/her nose in public.
229. You wear out your vehicle's horn before its brakes.
230. Smoking is one of the dinner courses.
231. You (male) wear white socks with your business suits.
232. You (female) wear socks over your pantyhose in summer.
234. People who knew you when you first arrived don't recognize you.
235. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends.
236. You buy a top-of-the-line karaoke machine.
237. None of your shoes have laces.
238. Chinese stop you on the street to ask for directions.
239. You leave the plastic on all new purchases.
240. Forks feel funny.
241. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.
242. People who haven't seen you for months don't ask where you've been.
243. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.
244. The only foreigners who have been here longer than you are buried here.
245. You get homesick for Chinese food when away from China.
246. It becomes a tradition that at least part of Christmas dinner is stir-fried.
247. Other foreigners give you a funny look when you tell them how long you've been here.
248. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone."
249. Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.
250. The Lunar Calendar ALWAYS takes precedence.
251. Pizza just doesn't taste right unless there's corn on it.
252. You've had a head on collision on a bike.
253. Summers are too short; winters too long.
254. 250cc is a REALLY BIG motorcycle. (You think moving from a 125cc to a 150cc makes you more macho.)
255. You drink Budweiser because it is considered a "Dark"beer.
256. Eating at "Western" restaurants, you wait until after dessert to drink your soup.
257. Your thumbnail is 2 inches long.
258. After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to.
259. You salt your fruit.
260. That unopened bottle of XO has aged longer on your living room shelf than it ever did in France.
261. You sit expecting the rice at the end of a meal
262. Your company offers you a job in your native land, and includes regular "Home Leave" to China as an incentive.
263. Household furnishings are arranged for optimal fengshui.
264. You can make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.
265. You stop calling the Guinness Book of Records people each time you kill a cockroach.
266. You think of "salad" as diced apples in mayonnaise.
267. You don't recognize a bowl of chicken soup unless there are feet and a head in it.
268. Your favorite pizza toppings are corn and shrimp.
269. You don't bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans.
270. In the summer, you roll the legs of your pants up to your knees whenever you sit down.
271. You (men) roll your shirt up to your nipples.
272. You wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs.
273. You have a purse and you are male.
274. You smoke with food in your mouth.
275. You smoke anywhere.
276. You like the smell of the bus.
278. You go to the hospital for an IV at the first signs of a cold.
279. You don't notice your gastrointestinal problems anymore.
280. You litter like it was America in the 60s.
281. Your handshake is weakening by the day.
282. You would never think of entering your house without first removing your shoes.
283. You have a Chinese song on your ring tone.
284. You don't even notice the people getting up to buy popcorn on your pirated DVD.
285. Drilling on the walls in the wee small hours in the morning is
considered acceptable behavior.
286. You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills.
287. You tell someone to meet you and demand they not be late, then you show up three hours late and tell them you were busy shopping.
288. You invite someone for dinner and tell them to meet you at your office, make them wait 30 minutes and then inform them there is no room in the car for them and to go home..
289. You (men) urinate in public.
290. You speak enough Chinese to make your colleagues laugh their heads off (attempts with anyone else still only draw blank stares).
291. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other.
292. You get on a bus alone and pretend to have a friend at the other end of the bus!
293. You always get a seat on a bus.
294. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
295. You scream at the top of your lungs when on a cell phone on a perfectly quiet bus.
296. You eat at exactly the same time every day, whether you are hungry or not. Then eat again later when you ARE hungry.
297. You don't stop to look at scooter/bike collisions.
298. You start liking the taste of the "meat flavored bean curd" Lays chips.
299.You think your nose IS kind of big.
300. You like the taste of Green Tea and Chivas
AND FINALLY 301. You start recognizing the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver.

I've changed some of the things on the list...made them a little more "Blogger" friendly.
Even added a few of my own favorites.

Hope you liked it.

Jim